OPINION: Emotional Abuse Is The Silent Third-Party of Most Relationships

By: Marielle Fatima Tuazon

Graphics by: Andy Santamaria

“He treated you like you were...an emotional punching bag,” my best friend hesitates to tell me this after I had spent a good few minutes ranting and crying about the breaking point of the relationship I was in until two weeks ago, at the time. It was the worst breakup by far, exacerbated by the promise of staying in touch because it had not been as worse as those I’ve experienced. I wasn’t cheated on: he just couldn’t stay, knowing he wasn’t treating me the way I deserve.

When the ex-boyfriend reached out a few days after Christmas a few years ago, we had awkwardly transitioned into asking each other how we’ve been: I told him that I was doing fine, all things considered. I told him about the day out with my best friend, how I confided in this person, how I couldn’t get the phrase out of my head. Emotional punching bag. He never physically hurt me, but emotionally, I felt irrevocably spent. I never realized I just kept taking hits.

In the middle of me processing this feeling that I shared with him out of concern, also my way of being in denial of that glaring realization, he grows upset at the insinuation of abuse. I go into an apologetic mode as he pours his anger onto me about my friend’s epiphany. “He doesn’t know shit about what I’ve gone through,” this ex tells me, reminding me of everything I already knew about the things that have happened in his life. I suddenly feel a lot worse about bringing up how I felt, thinking he was right. He had been through a lot. I was there, we’ve talked about these things a million times. I shouldn’t have said anything.

‘Maybe we got lost in translation?’

Afterward, I realized that he never asked me if I did feel that way when we were together. If I did feel like I was always adjusting to his needs, regulating my emotions so I could take whatever he threw at me, or if I did feel just as bad whenever he told me it was all in my head whenever I felt that he was detached from our relationship. He just felt instantly attacked. He never apologized, he only blamed me for being a downer, as usual. In the New Year, he said he was having a good time at a party until our conversation put his spirits down, even when he was the one to reach out first, again. It was like a landslide of hurt feelings: I was hurt about realizing that I had endured a lot in the relationship I once thought was too perfect to end, coupled with juggling this feeling of guilt about upsetting him.

Why was I the one made to feel sorry when I was the one directly hurt? Why did I still want to fix things, so afraid of giving him something to hold grudges against me?

Last week, Taylor Swift’s short film for All Too Well (10-Minute Version) was released and sparked the conversation on gaslighting with the now-famous verbal sparring scene in the kitchen between Dylan O’Brien and Sadie Sink’s characters. The concept of gaslighting, a manipulative tactic making someone question their reality, in the film was simple: she’s upset that he dropped her hand at dinner, something that was clearly shown to the audience, which he adamantly refuses to acknowledge, shifting the blame on her for ruining what was a nice night with the friends he hasn’t seen in years. When she cries, he immediately goes over to apologize: not because he regrets making her feel uncomfortable at dinner, but because she was already emotional at that point and he wanted her to stop. While Sadie’s character isn’t exactly also the epitome of clear communication skills, Dylan’s character was set on denying her reality and invalidating her emotions.

Overall, it’s a scene that most people on social media relate to, myself included. The universal pull that it has is a cause for concern. For someone like me who has unresolved relationship trauma, it was a trigger that led me to rehash every relationship and how potent the emotional abuse was. It made me afraid of how subtle it sometimes is, the signs unrecognizable when fights in a relationship are deemed normal, but hostile all the same. While it usually goes unnoticed, the damage it leaves has long-term impacts. The worst part is most people don’t even realize that they’re doing it to their partners, while some are chillingly aware of their actions. I’d like to think that the ex I was with then wasn’t the worst person on earth and didn’t actually set out to hurt me that way, but even then, it doesn’t invalidate how horrible it felt to constantly question myself with him.

‘Maybe I asked for too much?’

Psychological abuse, often linked to verbal and emotional abuse, is a punishable offense according to RA 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children (VAWC) Act of 2004. For a while, it was hard to prove such acts without hard evidence in court, gaslighting is a common defense of the defendant. It seemed that the claim would only be accepted if worse has already come to worst: physical abuse. In 2020, the Supreme Court of the Philippines affirmed the conviction of a psychologically abusive husband through marital infidelity and public humiliation because it led to mental anguish and emotional suffering of his wife.

Despite this feat, there is still no denying that the judicial system in the country is not as efficient as we’d hope for women, with numerous cases being trashed or some unfiled to this day. The humiliation of women experiencing emotional abuse when picked apart by the public seems an unjust cross to bear, what with the stereotype bestowed upon women being too emotional or having a dramatized view of the events. We’ve been gaslit by society most of our lives. A prime example is the beauty industry. Somehow, even things we can’t control become our fault. Such reactions to these stories, or the minimization of them into memes, hearsay, or overreaction, affect how women see themselves in this situation. Most would deny that it’s happening to them, refuse to terminate their relationships, seek help in private, or more commonly, air their concerns out on social media.

‘Did the love affair maim you too?’

There is no guidebook for emotional abuse, truth be told. When you’re in a romantic relationship, you assume that fighting and challenges are a part of the journey, but there is a fine line between a disagreement with your partner and constantly being abused emotionally. Recognizing these signs early on could be a blessing in disguise. It is also not entirely a question of how to avoid emotional abuse, but to put a stop to it by becoming a better partner, an individual, at that.

In the COVID-19 pandemic, a “shadow pandemic” is prominent in households, affecting mostly women and children. With everyone mostly required to stay at home, it is harder for abuse victims to seek refuge somewhere else or call for help. The data shown by Business Mirror suggests that there is a rise in online searches about domestic abuse, since the pandemic started. Nowadays, emotional abuse is portrayed in social media more, which could be a trigger but also could help us recognize it when we see it happen to us and our loved ones.

From November 25 to December 12, the Philippine Commission on Women is spearheading the observance of an 18-Day Campaign to End Violence Against Women. It also aims to put the spotlight on RA 11313 or the Safe Spaces Act. This campaign aims to raise awareness to the general public and institutions of the implementation of the law. Local Government Units (LGUs) and private sectors have various activities with this objective, and their materials can be found here. Other national policies like the Magna Carta of Women and the Gender Equality and Women’s Empowerment (GEWE) Plan 2019-2025 are available in this digital book copy.

However, these campaigns can only do so much when victims can’t find their voice or when the justice system does so little or is not accessible to those in need of help. The problem lies in the intrinsic misogynistic ideals forwarded by the patriarchal society. Until people stop reacting dismissively to Taylor Swift’s short film and branding her as a vindictive singer who can’t get over her ex, we’re nowhere near the goal of stopping emotional abuse. Looking back to what I’ve been through, it’s still hard for me to not accept the blame, until now. I’m still struggling to not feel guilty about owning my reality. Most men would be angered, quickly throwing male victims under the bus to defend themselves, but would be unbothered to actually change. While it is true that men are also victims of emotional abuse, the way a majority of women have experienced gender-related atrocities for most of our lives is not supposed to be our comeuppance. Simply put: human rights, in any form, is not something to be debated.